If you are in an unsafe relationship, this page does not have a safety out/escape button and can be tracked in your browser history. Please find a guaranteed safe way to view this blog that cannot be traced by your abuser or wait until such time as you are safe. Please visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline for additional resources. Thank you for surviving! My love and support are with you.
The topics in this series are triggering, even to folks who have not survived abuse because these techniques are prevalent in our society in the US. If you find yourself triggered or having a difficult time, please stop reading and take care of yourself. Do whatever work you need to do to take care of yourself before returning. Consider seeking the assistance of a licensed professional to help process what comes up for you. For those who are able, consider these blogs as journal prompts to explore the topic within yourself, your relationships, your culture, your faith, and your society.
For myself and many other survivors of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) and/or Domestic Violence (DV), healing from abuse often takes the shape of understanding how it happened in the first place. It helps us to release guilt and shame, give us ammunition to fight back against our programing, and aids in the grieving and rebuilding process.
Many times people ask, why didn’t you leave? They fail to understand that how it ended is a far cry from how it began. These topics of abuse behaviors are also timely as we look around us and see many who have been caught up by leaders who mean them harm, but who they swear loyalty to nonetheless. Understanding the details of abuse helps us to avoid it moving forward, and that knowledge is definitely power.
Before I continue, I would feel remiss if I did not mention a few things. There will be some who read this information and implement it against others. That is not the purpose of this blog and I do not condone it and I hope you get what you deserve. Secondly, once you start to see the techniques of abuse, the more you will see the techniques of abuse all around you. Our culture in the US is literally sick with it. These behaviors shape how we understand and interact with the world and with each other. This information will open your eyes and hopefully your hearts. Thirdly, I will be using pronouns interchangeably throughout these posts. While abusers are often recorded as cishet men and victims are often cishet women, all people can be abusers or victims. We need to be very clear on this so that all victims can be seen and honored. Lastly, hurt people hurt people. Many abusers were abused themselves and their survival method was to become that which they suffered. Sometimes they perpetuate abuse consciously, sometimes unconsciously. This does not mean that they get a pass for harmful behavior. I ask that we compassionately view abuse as a systemic illness with many victims and healing from and stopping abuse should be the goal. That being said, survive and take no shit.
After an abuser has chosen their target (more on this later), they will begin the love bombing process. During this phase the abuser will mirror your likes, your dislikes, even your personality. This is especially dangerous for ADHD, Autistic, and AuDHD folks. We make friends in a similar manner to love bombing, with wholly different intentions. We are open, share a lot (sometimes too much too fast), and we mirror those around us. For many ADHD, Autistic, and AuDHD folks, love bombing is not seen in others as we code it as being “one of us”.
The abuser will learn as much as she can about you. Everything you say, do, and don’t do is information that is catalogued for later. They may attempt to test a few boundaries here and there, but not too much, they want you on the hook.
Love bombing is a flurry of things in a short amount of time, designed to make you feel good and valued. This is often why many people advise getting to know someone for 6 months or more before cohabiting or making any commitments, because that is about the time that it takes for the love bombing to subside and the next phases to begin. You are showered with your favorite gifts, dates to your favorite locations, trips to new and exciting locals, there are texts and calls, and adventure. You are in love. This person knows you, really knows you, they listen, no one listens like this, he anticipates your every want and need. The dopamine is flowing and the oxytocin is in vast supply. You have started the addiction process – the feel good phase. Everything you do or say is validated, you are put on a pedestal, no one, and I mean no one, is more important and at the center of his attention than you.
What does this have to do with our particular climate? Many supporters of the current administration were love bombed. They were heard, seen, validated, valued, and no one had ever done that, not so intimately, not so deeply, and no one had ever made it feel so real. So many promises were made, so much of who they are was reflected back to them, he was one of us, he has our backs, he gets us and he will do what we ask of him.
How does this apply to magical workings and your empowerment? Firstly, it makes you that much more difficult to manipulate. Second, you are able to avoid harmful people who often consciously or subconsciously use energy as a part of the abuse. Next, you’ll start establishing boundaries or cutting ties with folks who employ these techniques in your own life. Finally, you’ll be able to craft workings and protections that are tailored to your needs and the needs of those you serve.
What can you do to avoid being love bombed? First, learn what it is and why it is used. Learn that for many ADHD, Autistic, and AuDHD folks, we use the behaviors of creating intimacy very fast in order to connect, so discernment is key both for us, and when interacting with us. Let relationships grow at a more measured pace. Watch for too many promises being made too quickly, or someone who knows everything and has no humility. Watch for unusual pressure to reciprocate advances and gifts. If you feel swept off your feet, get grounded and slow things down. I know that it feels good to get swept away in the newness (dopamine anyone??) A good dopamine rush is another issue for ADHD, Autistic, and AuDHD folks in being taken in by abusers disproportionately. If it feels too good to be true it probably is. And if someone tries to breach a boundary, nip that in the bud (we’ll chat about boundaries later). Watch what happens when you say no, even to something casual. Don’t make excuses for any suspicious behavior just because “he’s so nice!”.
One of the things my abuser said to me was telling on himself and also very real – be wary of the first person who tries to become your best friend in any new situation. I’ve had this play out enough times to recognize and offer its wisdom.
I’m not saying become jaded and don’t have fun, I’m saying abuse and abusers are real and forewarned is forearmed.