If you are in an unsafe relationship, this page does not have a safety out/escape button and can be tracked in your browser history. Please find a guaranteed safe way to view this blog that cannot be traced by your abuser or wait until such time as you are safe. Please visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline for additional resources. Thank you for surviving! My love and support are with you.
The topics in this series are triggering, even to folks who have not survived abuse because these techniques are prevalent in our society in the US. If you find yourself triggered or having a difficult time, please stop reading and take care of yourself. Do whatever work you need to do to take care of yourself before returning. Consider seeking the assistance of a licensed professional to help process what comes up for you. For those who are able, consider these blogs as journal prompts to explore the topic within yourself, your relationships, your culture, your faith, and your society.
So, now you are in love, infatuated, intoxicated, and riding high on life. The love bombing and idealization has done its job. This person can do no harm, and neither can you. All of your needs are being met, and your wounds are covered in the balm of love. This period can last for hours to months. Any friends or acquaintances that see orange or red flags are dismissed, because after all, this person is vulnerable and adoring. Should an old partner enter the picture to offer warnings, they are not believed because odds are that the abuser has already set the stage by speaking poorly about them and assuring you that if something is there to be concerned about, it was a grievous misunderstanding, a lie, or that the abuser is a different person – because of your love. You have permanently affixed rose colored glasses, and this person can do no wrong.
Then it starts, slowly at first. A strange comment about your outfit or hair. An out of place tone of voice. A joke that feels like a backhanded compliment. A jab at your personality or a quirk. You even begin to get compared to others. When confronted, your abuser writes it off as a joke (after all you are too sensitive), or a misunderstanding, or may even double down on a flaw of yours, exquisitely explaining your wound, one that you need to take responsibility to heal. Remember, during the first phase, the abuser was watching everything, everything. They catalogued every like, dislike, hope and dream, nightmare and fear. He bookmarked what was needed to love bomb you, and now she has all of the information that you shared while you were your most vulnerable to use as weapons against you.
Whatever your insecurities or unhealed wounds are now become fodder to be weaponized. The perfect picture begins to crack and fade. The person you were so sure was your soulmate, your twin flame, your forever after, starts to look like a stranger. It may be glimpses at first. Things that you can easily write off or explain away. He had a long day, the kids were unruly, she had a fight with her mom, they haven’t eaten all day. So you being to excuse away any discrepancies in the perfect relationship, the perfect person. Hell, you have your own flaws, your own wounds, things about you and behaviors that you are not entirely proud of. And you’d want someone to give you a second chance, the benefit of the doubt, some grace, so as a caring and compassionate person, that’s exactly what you do. I’m sure they didn’t mean it, he was just lashing out, she doesn’t know what she’s like when she gets angry, maybe I can help them navigate this stress.
Many abuse victims are folks who faced a lot of criticism growing up. If you are neurodivergent, it may have seemed like you were misunderstood all the time by everyone, and if someone had just given you a chance, you would have been understood, respected…loved. If you were bad at reading social cues, body language, or verbal communication, you may begin to gaslight yourself into thinking that what your seeing, what you’re experiencing is a misunderstanding on your part, after all, you miss so much, you’re not smart, you’re gullible and naive.
But your gut hurts. You are getting sick and increasingly confused and disoriented. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This person loves me, and love means never hurting someone, doesn’t it?
During the devaluation stage, we as victims start to realize that we are not perfect, and neither is our abuser. We slowly, then quickly, get the very clear message that we are unworthy, gross, and ultimately disposable. We are very, very confused and bewildered and the image of the abuser that we had starts taking on very different aspects.
So, how does this relate to the current government? Many supporters of the current administration are confused and bewildered. They are going over the details of the pre-election promises and speeches. They clearly remember all of what was said and promised. They are writing to their elected officials asking what is going on. We were supposed to be protected. You said we were your favorite. You said you’d protect us. You promised… And ultimately many supporters are now learning that they are being depreciated and devalued. Their only worth was their vote and support, they were being used, and now that the current administration is in office, supporters are finding that they are not loved or protected, not valued, not seen, not heard, not respected or loved.
They are as hated and disposable as all the rest of us and this will send many into a tail spin. They will start to see the administration for what it is and what it is doing. They will begin to wake up and begin to exit their own abusive relationship with our current leader. And many will not, they will continue to engage in and believe in the promises of the love bombing and idealization phase.
But for those who get out, we have a unique opportunity to welcome them and help them to heal. Did they cause harm, yes. Are many of them still deeply problematic in their beliefs and actions, yes. Were they victims of abuse, also yes. The work of including these folks is not meant for everyone, and that is not a value judgement by any measure. Many have been too hurt by them to have the space to open themselves up, nor should they have to. Many need to sit this one out for their own health and safety. Being in a position to help these folks is not a matter of goodness, or any other holier-than-though reason. Everyone will have to make those choices for themselves.
I’m hoping that by educating folks about abuse that those of us who can are able to help bring these folks into a place of education and healing so that they can help us turn the tide and break the cycles of abuse.