If you are in an unsafe relationship, this page does not have a safety out/escape button and can be tracked in your browser history. Please find a guaranteed safe way to view this blog that cannot be traced by your abuser or wait until such time as you are safe. Please visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline for additional resources. Thank you for surviving! My love and support are with you.

The topics in this series are triggering, even to folks who have not survived abuse because these techniques are prevalent in our society in the US. If you find yourself triggered or having a difficult time, please stop reading and take care of yourself. Do whatever work you need to do to take care of yourself before returning. Consider seeking the assistance of a licensed professional to help process what comes up for you. For those who are able, consider these blogs as journal prompts to explore the topic within yourself, your relationships, your culture, your faith, and your society.

The person you love is beginning to change. It may have started slow, and you may have chosen to look the other way or explain away what didn’t fit with the image of her that she had created for you. You may have put your foot down, you may have even left (then returned). There was no way you want to go from being loved to feeling like you have been devalued.

But then they turned the corner. They apologized for their bad behavior. He had a really logical explanation for what had happened. She bought you flowers and your favorite dessert. And things go back to normal, back to the way they were when you first started dating.

Or did they?

The degrading continues, in fact it gets worse. Now you’re being mocked in front of loved ones, being shamed for spending time with friends because you obviously have lost interest in your partner, why are you so heartless. Then the makeup sex and “I’m sorry” presents. There are threats and promises. It’s at this point if there hasn’t been physical violence it starts, and it can be perpetrated by someone twice your size, or by someone half your size. There is an idea that men cannot be physically abused by women, but it happens, more than we know, do to the overwhelming stigma around it.

This absolutely needs to be said: physical abuse is not the only way abuse can occur, it is not the gold standard. In fact most abuse, and some of the most harmful, long lasting abuse is not physical. Just because physical abuse does not occur, it does not mean you weren’t abused, it does not mean that you weren’t harmed. Physical abuse is extremely harmful, but so is mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse. I will go into these topics in later blogs. Just know physical abuse is just one aspect of abuse, and it gets the most attention because it is the most visible sign of abuse.

More “I’m sorry”, more excuses, more explanations, more presents, more gestures of repair, more violence. Money is controlled and used as a punishment and reward system. Your sleep is interrupted, plans are undermined, and your favorite items destroyed. You are slowly being chipped away at, and then reminded why you fell in love with them in the first place.

None of this makes sense. They’re a different person, but then they’re not. You pivot, try different things, all to try to get the old person back. The more you try, the more unstable things get, you feel like you’re going crazy – and you are, because that’s the point. This is by far the most harmful stage of abuse. It creates issues that take a long time to repair – more on this soon.

On and on, round and round, up and down. You’d do anything to get back the person you first knew. But the reality is that person never existed, but you haven’t learned that yet.

So, how do you get out of this? The folks who’ve gotten out will tell you the same thing: believe what they say when they say something odd or uncomfortable and more importantly, believe their actions over their words.

Administratively, we’re already seeing the promise of change. Take away your rights, maybe you’ll get $5k, loose more rights, get more promises. Challenge the decisions, get concessions, for now. Don’t be blinded by this. The administration is trying to get you back, trying to win you over after they have dealt a blow. They are assuring you that they meant to hit the other guy, not you, if you weren’t standing so close, you might not have gotten hit. Maybe you should work harder, get a better job, tow the line, act like and be the “majority”. After all this is what you voted for, you can’t say no now, you can’t change your mind – you asked for this. Expect to see a lot more of this repetition between love bombing and devaluation, until we get to the next step, one I hope we can leave before it occurs.